Hello Nurse - by Marie Bertino
5 CC's of rock, stat!

Hello Nurse is known for its wild live performances that have been compared to feeding time for the monkeys at the Brooklyn Zoo. If you don't like Hello Nurse, you don't like fun, and if you don't like fun, Sadaam Hussein wins. Hello Nurse sat down to answer a couple questions about trusting a big butt and a smile, Popper Stoppers, and The Rabinowitz Bar Mitzvah.

1. In an interview for FeelthePunk.com, Joe credits Hello Nurse for teaching him to love again. What else has the experience of being in Hello Nurse taught all of you?

Hello Nurse has taught us many things, chief among them: shameless self-promotion works - please visit our web-site at http://www.hellonurse.com/. Also: you can fit more than you ever dreamed into a Nissan Sentra. Rats like garbage. Don't trust the F-train. Craigslist is the best website on earth not named hellonurse.com.

2. It is obvious in your music you guys have a lot of fun. How long have you all known each other?

Despite your belief that we have fun, we actually hone our sound through a series of merciless humiliations and campaigns of character assassination. It really makes the choruses pop.

The story of how Hello Nurse was formed is a legend shrouded in mystery. Some might say that Christian and Ed met through Craigslist 2 years ago, that Joe joined the fold last fall, and that Mike nailed his audition in the Winter of 2004. One might contend that the audition process has weeded out all irrational, needy, inflexible fucktards, leaving us with a gear-head, a daredevil, a salesman, and a diva. You might surmise that we get along like pizza & pineapple. Mmm Mmm Mmm.

However, bassist Joe Crespo will tell you a different tale:

"Mike and I met in high school. Mike skipped a grade and started as a sophomore. I was not as scholastic- I continued to inexplicably hang out in the school's parking lot for years after I dropped out. One day after
school some seniors were hassling poor little Mike - knocking over his books, practicing their karate moves on him, that sort of thing. I used my superior kung fu to beat the piss out of those kids. He cajoled me for days
before I promised I would teach him self-defense. Mike spent the next several weeks cleaning my vintage car collection, painting my house and the fence that surrounds my compound. And though Mike had a horrible high school experience because never learned to actually defend himself, a great friendship was born.

As far as I know Ed and Christian met late one night traveling. Ed once told me that he was just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, and he took the midnight train going anywhere. Christian, on the other hand, was a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit and he too took the midnight train going anywhere. That's the short version, when Ed tells the story, it goes on and on and on."

3. (especially for Mike) David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

As this is a sensitive question of personal taste, we feel it best to post individual responses.

Garcia: NO QUESTION, NO CONTEST, I FEEL AS IF YOU ALREADY KNOW MY ANSWER…DIAMOND DAVE ALL THE WAY!

Ed: I have seen Roth walking around on Suffolk Street on the LES, so I gotta give it to the guy who lives in the neighborhood. Besides, I drive slowly - Haggar's "can't drive 55" agenda is way to pro-vehicular speeding for my liking.

Joe: David Lee Roth and not just because he passed the musical torch to Ed. Pomposity goes a long way with me.

Christian: N/A

4. What music is currently in your CD player/tape player/4 track/IPOD/computer/gramaphone?

Christian: The Police - Reggatta de Blanc, Ted Leo - Shake the Sheets, The Hives - Tyranosaurus Hives, The Futureheads - self titled, Green Day - American Idiot, The English Beat - Special Beat Service, Secret Dakota Ring - Do Not Leave Baggage All The Way.

Garcia: Pinback - Summer in Abaddon, Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary, The Futureheads - Self Titled, Say Anything - Is a real boy, The Promise Ring - Nothing Feels Good, Morrissey - You are the Quarry, Piebald - All ears, All eyes, All the time.

Ed: Elliot Smith - From the Basement on a Hill, Green Day - American Idiot, The Knack - Get the Knack, Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear the Reaper.

Joe: Don't Stop Believin' by Journey - so?

5. Which band do you think rocked for change more effectively: Bright Eyes or Death Cab for Cutie? Do you think musicians should just play and keep the political views to themselves?

If they are Republicans, they should probably keep that to themselves… In all seriousness, citizens should never feel like they cannot contribute to democratic discourse. Unfortunately, our democracy hinges on the populace getting information from the mainstream media, which is increasingly consolidated in the hands of large corporate entities looking to advance their pro-business points of view (e.g. Fox, Sinclair, Clear Channel, NBC/ GE, etc..).

Music, like narratives and visual art, is a way of expressing and sharing perceptions of reality. If you don't think a political lens is an important tool for interpreting reality, then I hope you have decorated the rock under which you have been living.

Because musicians are media personalities, they are in a unique position to make a statement. Of course, the quality of that statement is directly proportional to how informed the artist happens to be. Hence, Toby Keith is a moron with a platform, but Tom Morello might actually make a compelling speaker. In other words, Vote or Die, Beyatch…

6. When you shot your band photo at Sears, were the people at Sears scared of you or did they immediately take to you like adoptive parents, or was your experience at Sears a third option I haven't thought of? Pre-question: Why Sears?

If you go to Brooklyn and keep driving, eventually you will find a place where the fingers of the subway no longer reach. Keep going, and you will arrive at a giant cliff, with Brooklyn on the peak and Long Island in
The valley. On the edge of this cliff you will find a Sears, and inside This Sears is a portrait studio.

We packed our sweaty asses into Joe's non-air conditioned car in the dead of summer and lit out for this mythical destination (about a one-hour drive away). Despite the heat and the lengthy car ride, we all managed to keep laughing and joking around, solidifying our bond as band and as friends (cue the violins and misty eyes).

The guy who worked at Sears had perhaps the worst job of anyone who doesn't work directly with raw sewage or George W. Bush. This poor man had to get screaming kids to sit still for a cheap photo or alternately be blamed by terrible-looking couples for their appearances on film. When we walked in dressed like morons and acting like howler monkeys, the clerk initially was probably skeptical. But when Joe told him we wanted our album cover to look like a bad family portrait, he told us, "You guys came to the right place."

You may ask us (and in fact just did) "Why Sears?" The real question is why not Sears? When you need your car fixed, you trust the Midas Touch. When you want a to see a hugely successful director destroy his legacy, you go see a new Star Wars movie. When we wanted a cheesy photo of us like one you might find in your family album, we went to Sears. Trust The Professionals.

7. What is your favorite venue in New York to perform/hear a show?

Our favorite place to both perform AND see a show is the Bowery Ballroom (although we've done more SEEING and less (none) PERFORMING at this venue). Terrific sound and an awesome upstairs balcony level compliment good bands and minty-fresh urinals.

As for places where we've actually played - it's probably a tie between the Continental and Piano's - both places have been very fair and reasonable with us in terms of booking shows and compensating us. The Continental also holds a special place in Hello Nurse lore because it was the site of our first performance with our current lineup (cue more violins and misty eyes).

Some of our favorite shows have been at non-traditional venues such as rollerskating rinks, street fairs, and tiki bars. The Rabinowitz Bar Mitzvah was also an exceptional show until Mike inadvertently desecrated the Torah.

We'd also like to mention the Mercury Lounge. We love the Mercury Lounge. Maybe they will return a goddamned phone call now that we've complimented them.

8. You credit Bel Biv Devoe as one of your influences. Have you ever trusted a big butt and a smile and gone on to regret it? Bonus Question: Am I the only one who thinks Biv and Bel were Ginsberg and Burroughs to Devoe's Kerouac, hangers on with high top fades?

Again, due to the highly personal nature of this line of questioning, we are going to have to respond individually:

Ed: The only thing that can come from trusting a big butt and a smile is regret. This being said, I do take umbrage at your classification of BBD in such a manner. Everyone who knows anything about New Jack Swing knows that Ronnie "Biv" Bivens was the ring-leader of the East Coast Family, featuring Another Bad Creation and Boyz II Men (in their pre-Alex Vanderpool incarnation). Following the demise of New Edition, Biv was the driving force, the Neil Cassidy of the group- to use your beat analogy. How do I know all of this? Because I was 11 when all of this went down and I have the Cross Color Purple Jean Shorts to priggity-prove it.

Joe: I used to work for Big Butt magazine. In fact, while employed at a small Desktop publishing company, I worked on a number of porno mags including Big Butt, Asian Dolls and Over 50. That line of work ruined my personal appreciation of porn. I've been so desensitized that my sexual appetite has become fickle and strange, not unlike that of Howard Stern's... I digress.

I respectfully decline to answer this question. No beatnik metaphor is complete without Charles Bukowski.

Garcia: Hmmm…answering this question will probably get me into a lot of trouble with my lady-friend, as such, I respectfully decline. However, BBD did teach me all I need to know about singing.

Christian: N/A

9. What is your favorite Deli in New York?

Clearly that would be Peas and Pickles in DUMBO. It's around the corner from our rehearsal space and directly underneath our recording studio. Hello Nurse has put their kids through college.

You can get anything from satin panties (purchased alternately for use as a Popper Stopper for our first recording session and for lonely, lonely nights) to freshly made Turkey sandwiches, man-salads, banana bread, coffee and pespi one- the sum of which forms the glue that holds Hello Nurse together. Seriously, the band as a whole is probably there more than we are in own kitchens.

10. If Hello Nurse was a food, what food would you be?

Hello Nurse has a lean, delicious, honey-cured sound… I would say we would be a delicious Turkey sandwich with all the fixins. Go ahead and indulge- Hello Nurse is very low in carbs and trans fats.